Do I Have to Talk to My Ex When He Picks up the Kids for the Holidays?

As we reach the peak of the holiday season, our kids often travel between homes. Legally, you must follow the parenting agreement that you and a judge signed. You will have to talk to “the other parent” to arrange travel and will likely communicate when dropping off kids and during the visit.

I want to take a moment to talk about communicating with your ex. Strictly speaking, this is not a legal matter. It can, however, affect any current or future legal actions. Here is your guiding rule:

Assume that everything you write or record (text, email, voicemail, etc.) will be read by a judge.

In any legal action, a history of your communication—any messages that still exist, either in writing or audio recording—can be brought to court. Even if you deleted the angry texts, the phone carrier still has the record. In heated moments, it can be helpful to remember this chilling reality.

Here are some principles to guide your communication:

1)      Be polite and respectful. There is a reason this is rule #1. No matter how angry she gets or how unreasonable he is being, speak respectfully. No swearing and no name calling. EVER. Even in cases where the other parent deserves it, DON’T DO IT.

2)      Agree beforehand what information you want shared. What do you need to know about your kids to feel comfortable while they are away? While asking to know what they ate at every meal is obviously excessive, some things are reasonable. Do you need to know if they are sick or only if they need emergency medical attention? Do you want to know if they are traveling outside of the state? Talk (respectfully) to the other parent to arrange these details before the kids travel.

3)      Ensure that the other parent can contact the kids when they are with you. You cannot without contact from a parent unless a court order approves this (such as with a restraining order). Also, you want to be able to talk to your children when they are away from home. If you can schedule calls, that is best. When calls are not scheduled, try to accommodate them anyway. If you and the kids are in the middle of something, offer 2 other times over the next 48 hours that you can guarantee they will be able to call. There’s always time for a quick call!

Remember, you are doing this for the kids. Parents who interact peacefully and respectfully create a safe, comfortable environment for their children to have fun and to make wonderful holiday memories.

You can do this! Let’s make this a peaceful holiday season for you and the children.